How to Deal with Your Amy Cooper of a Boss

So, you have Amy as your boss, eh?

It’s O.K., I’m Canadian.

I’m alluding to the fact the now infamous, Amy Cooper, who called the cops on a black man after telling her to leash her dog in Central Park, is from Canada. It’s interesting she felt so comfortable using systematic racism in a country that is not truly her own to wrongfully benefit from it. The Cut broke the story in late May 2020 with title “Millions of Amy Coopers: They could be your boss or your neighbor or your teacher, if disturbed on the wrong day.”

Steps on Dealing with Amy Cooper When She’s Your Boss

If you’re reading this, chances are like me, you’re a minority looking for the answers I wish I had when “Karen”, the coined name to describe entitled white women's “may-I-speak-to-your-manager life strategy”, was my boss. She held the keys to my career – what I then thought was true. However, putting you at ease, let me tell you that the truth always prevails and good work never goes to waste. You will be more than alright! Here are my tips for dealing with the Amy’s of the world - whether in Canada, the U.S. or similar.

Before jumping in, I do want to highlight that this story is not to villainize all white-women in managerial positions approaching 40 who may be single. I’m happy to report I’ve been managed by some incredibly empowering women who’ve, while fitting into this profile, have acted as role models, outstanding leaders, and allies in my career. It wasn’t easy trusting again after fighting a traumatic Amy Cooper of a boss but for those minority women wondering if there’s a light - there is and I hope you get to meet and work with those gems of women who will inspire you. For the women resembling the demographics of Amy Cooper, upset over the repercussions, especially in how others see you, let me redirect you to “Who’s Afraid of Amy Coopers? White Female Lawyers”. We, thank you for your understanding and future positive action.

Look, I understand that all women have a hard time making it at the top, and that Cooper’s behavior has unleashed some unfortunate sexist stereotypes. That said, I don’t think women of color could have or would have pulled a stunt that she did. And that’s precisely why we need to talk about it.

OK. Let’s get to it, shall we?

Step 1: Decide if you plan on staying or quitting your job

A lot of people will say “why don’t you just leave your job?”. Hm. Well, let me see. As an example, if you’re a junior banker and have fought to have a prestigious position and you just quit your job, it will follow you. Your next employer will ask you why you left your previous position and describing ongoing micro-aggressions will probably not get you very far. Unfortunately employers will blame you. If you do not get a return offer from an investment banking internship, that follows you after 2 - 3 years post graduation, no matter what you look like. It’s not such an easy decision to make. Choosing between your ambitions, livelihood, hard work, future and your mental health. The options you may have, could look like the following:

• Quit your job without another one lined up

• Start looking for another job / seamless transition

• Stay at your job with your boss

• Stay at your job, go to HR

• Stay at your job, change managers

You don’t need to make a decision right away - start thinking about it. Also, give yourself a timeline for how long you can put up with your current situation to plan against your goals.

Step 2: Reason & communicate with your boss

Before going into full Olivia Pope mode, you know what you’re feeling is valid. You don’t need to doubt yourself or let other people make you think you’re crazy. You probably already have people telling you that you’re overreacting, getting “inside your head”, or reading the situation wrongly. You are not. Instead, think about how to strategically reason with this person.

Do not be direct. That will only hurt you. Instead, you’re going to need to code switch and fast. Find ways to reason with this person by not giving into their game, as playing it will make you crazy. Oh, and guess what, no one is paying you extra for all of this [for being a minority dealing with this crap], so minimize the amount of work and strategize for maximized output and result.

Understand what motivates their behavior. A lot of the time it’s “power”, to be well-regarded by their bosses, promotion, etc. Help them get to their goal for you to have the upper hand and negotiation power in the long-run. If they exercise power over you by offering personal feedback (criticizing you in inappropriate ways, threatening to demote you or speak negatively about your performance) that has no bearing in the workplace, ask questions. Clari-fucking-fy.

• What do you mean by X?

• Can you please provide me examples of X?

• Where did you get this information?

• What is the relation between this piece of information (feedback) and my work?

Step 3: Start a journal

Begin to collect evidence describing each incidence, piece of informal or formal feedback, conversations, threats, and actions this person is taking against you.

A good way to record this is:

• Date

• Time

• Action

• Impact

• Witnesses - who else was there? who actually heard or saw what was going on?

• Corporate Values / Beliefs - what company value are they going against?

• Laws - are they breaking any civil codes?

Step 4: Find allies

Just like you, there are many others who’ve experienced this kind of boss, and if not, see what’s going on and who can offer support. Find those allies, even if it’s 1 or 2 people. In your immediate circle and on the ground, speak to them about what’s going on and if they see what you see. Have they also experienced issues with this person? What has worked for them and what hasn’t?

Finding allies can not only help you cope with what you’re facing but it can also help you gain information as to a record of other people who have experienced the same treatment from this one person.

Every company deals with these cases differently. Note that Human Resources is there to protect the company’s interests and therefore it’s not always wise to be completely open about what’s going on until you have concrete evidence that your boss is a threat to the firm.

I suggest finding allies who are at your level but also in leadership positions - if you can. In very corporate settings, it could be difficult to find leaders willing to go to bat for you though - so again - trudge lightly.

Step 5: Seek legal counsel

No matter what decision you are looking to make, seeking legal council from a civil code / business law perspective is not money going to waste. It’s necessary education. A business lawyer with labour law specialization can help you understand your civil rights under your municipal / state and federal governments. Racial discrimination is illegal. In Canada, psychological harassment is illegal - but it is not in the U.S. Understand what these constitute and what it actually takes to prove these under the law. Knowing what can hold up in court, and similar is crucial in empowering your decisions.

Working backwards is far more difficult. The earlier you can get this information and understand, the more informed you’ll be and empowered to do what is best for you. Be the human resource for yourself and career - no one else will protect your interests.

Step 6: Go to therapy

Hang on! You can do this.

You can take care of yourself, at the same time though, and see a labour-specific therapist to help you with work stress. This is for you to exercise your brain and do some mental yoga. Let it out. Talk to a licensed professional who will hear you out and provide labour stress exercises to let go of the pain, and anxious energy you’re facing. There are many affordable licensed professionals. Speak to your employer / HR for those resources - chances are they are covered to a certain degree.

Note, in Canada, psychology and therapy sessions are tax reimbursable.

Step 7: Finalize your decision

Make your final decision. Based on what you know today with all of the information at hand - your mental health, ambitions, current financial situation, allyship / network, legal council, and smart internal conversations, make your decision.

I used to blame myself for putting up with as much as I did with the toll it took on my mental and physical well-being. I don’t blame myself anymore. I realized, I did what I needed to do with the information at the time and hindsight is 2020…literally. I’m grateful for my journey and for the decisions I made. It took a toll on me sure, but I sacrificed short-term happiness for the life I have now.

I’ll let you know that I’ve never been so happy and successful in both my life and career.

BONUS: Have faith

It would be unfair of me not to say what ultimately got me through it all. There were days, weeks and months I wanted to give up. I’m glad I didn’t. I had faith in my self - faith in my strength. More importantly, I had faith in God. I’m so grateful for what I went through as I got more than what I asked for in my prayers. After holding on to my faith and the belief that it was all part of a greater plan, I can safely say it was; The learning lessons, stronger relationship I have with God today, and faith I have in myself to conquer this systemic issue, are more than enough to not want to change a thing.

Remember, no one can take away what you know. They can take away your job, they can take away your livelihood, strip you of your credits, and humiliate you - but they can never take away the power you have inside yourself.